urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:chokedbymyheart*insert replacment heart here*chokedbymyheartchokedbymyheart2005-07-10T08:18:36Zurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:chokedbymyheart:585you said, you said this time was gonna be different....2005-07-10T08:18:36Z2005-07-10T08:18:36Zwell... yet again i have managed to fuck up... but this time i fear may be my last.... i have no more chances with her.... my love... i have hurt her far more than anyone can imagine... on countless occasions has she hurtself in my name.... i can't bear to hurt her any more... but it seems when i try hardest not to i end up hurting her.... how i manage this i do not know.... she tells me that she still loves me.... but i don't see how this is possible... i really don't.... i'm not calling her a liar... if she says that she loves me.... then i believe her... i just don't see why... she tells me all the time that have changed... i start to see it and try my best to go back to the me i used to be... as soon as i think it's working i find out i failed.... i never meant to hurt her... i only meant to love her... but it seems like i can't even love her right... whenever i try to love her it turns out in the worst... i hate who i am.... i hate what i have done... but i can't fix any of it.... i hate everything that is me.... she is my life... and i can't ever have her.... she tells me that i can... if i gain her trust... if i gain her respect... but with how i have fucked up.... i can't imagine how that would work... right about now... i regret living... i don't even want her to talk to me any more... i don't want anyone to... i am tired of hurting people... i'm tired of bringing people down.... how she even fell in love with me in the first place is a mystery to me.... i can't even begin to see what she saw in me... and now after so long... after so much between us both... after all the mistakes i have made... and after all the things i have done to screw everything up for me... for us... she keeps telling me that it isn't my fault... the one she loves hurt himself because of her hurting herself.... which was my fault to begin with.... it all goes back on me... honestly.... why am i here if this is all i am good for?? why was i born if i was going to be this worthless... my plans for the future aren't even anything to me... all that means something to me is her... all that ever meant anything to me was her... i wish i never fucked up... i keep telling myself that i can't fuck up anymore... that i have fucked up way too many times... but everytime i prove myself wrong... being with out her makes life not even worth it.... before i couldn't even imgaine life with out her... now i can barely remember life with her... i want to be able to live that again... be able to experiance her again.... live the love again... but i can't... even thought she says different.... i know that i have fucked up just that badly... if i would have known i would have hurt her when i started dating her.... i wouldn't have started... she tells me not to be sad all the time... but i can't help but let tears shed when i remember the times we had... i love her too much not too... it's kind of morbid... but losing her was worse than losing my grandmother... i really can't stand to be without her... but i don't want to hurt her any more... not at all... i never wanted to hurt her in the first place... sometimes i stop and have to actually realize what happened... it hits me hard every time... like i was just dreaming then suddenly woke up... i only want to be with her... to not hurt her.... to make her happy... but i can't do that.... it's his job now.... because of my mistakes... this is my punishment... and i hate it all....<br />Samurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:chokedbymyheart:276Can someone lend me a new heart?2005-06-04T02:12:08Z2005-06-04T02:12:08Zyep..... new journal.. well... since i had my old one on here things have gotten so much worse.... i think last entry i wrote on my old one was something about my ex-girlfriend going out with this kid named Pat..... well that is way done and over with.... pretty much we were planning on going back out after that... but some shit happened and she ended up going out with this kid named Kyle... that lasted about 2 months... but while she was going out with him i went out with this girl Rachael.... that wasn't a very good relationship.. it may sound wierd but we never got into any arguments about anything... it was wierd... and i started thinking of her a lot more as a friend than as a girlfriend... and plus Niki had just broken up with Kyle... i wanted to go back out with Niki like everything... finally that hole in my heart would be filled in... well we went out for 2 weeks... and then she broke upw tih me.... she said it was to find herself... but it really was because i had hung out with Rachael once... also because i was being an asshole... i had changed a lot... i didn't even see it my self untill today actually... i realized that i had changed completely... i don't like it at all.... i need to go back to who i was... to the me that i loved.... but anyways... Niki started going out with her good friend Will on monday... Memorial Day... Probably one of the worst days of my life..... i had fun with my friends... but inside my heart was no longer beating.... only pieces were left... i saw it coming from a mile away.... but i didn't want to believe it... i didn't... after she told me that she was scared to go out with me... because i had hurt her so much... i admit... i have hurt her... never on purpose... but i fuck up so much... i honestly don't know what to do any more.... she tells me that she can't trust me with her feelings... and i don't blame her.... but i want her trust back.... i mean i want to go back out with her so fucking much... because i love her... i don't want to be with any one else but her.... ever.... but if i can't have her... i at least want her to trust me again.... like she used to... i also want to be me again.... not this asshole who is in my place... i could understand why she doesn't want to be with me.... i really can... people tell me all over the place to give up and find someone else... see i would... but i am way to much in love with her... i don't want to find another person... i want to be with her.... i will never ever try and interfere with her and Will.... and if she is happier than she can be with me.... then she can choose what to do... but i just want her to trust me like she used to.... i want her to love me like she used to.... i can't stand being with out her... we have had plans on what we will do after we graduate.... where we will live... our family in the future... all of this stuff... before i couldn't imagine what it would be like with out her.... now i i am living it.... and i hate it... i really do... i want to be with her so damn much... but her friend told me that she loves him.... and that she is happier than when she was with me.... i don't want to mess that up..... i really don't.... i am just going to have to work my ass off to gain her trust... once again.... but i wouldn't do it for anyone else in the world.... just like i couldn't love any body else in this world as much as i love her.... i just want her to trust me.... that's all.... i want to be with her... but that is her choice... that is her choice to see whether she wants to give me another chance... i guarentee i won't need any more chances... i am done fucking up... and i have said this before... i know i have... but i am really done now... i can't let myself screw up another good thing in my life... Niki is the best thing that ever happened to me.... and now i lost her to my own stupidity....